Ladies, let’s face it. We all go through dry spells, and we all get the itch. You know what I’m talking about. And, it’s not related to dry skin or mosquito bites.
Women have sexual needs, just as men do. It’s healthy, it’s natural; in this day and age there is no reason to be ashamed of our own sexual desires.
If you’re in a relationship, this is great – I’m sure you’re getting good, hard lovin’ whenever you need or desire. Or, I hope you do.
What about if you’re a single, sexy lady? Whether or not you’re in-between relationships, or just single because you want to be, there generally comes a time when you need to “have your clock reset,” as my roommate Kelly says.
Kelly and I both know a bit about the casual clock-resetting sexual encounter, as we’ve both had spells where we’ve had revolving bedroom doors and a chart posted on the refrigerator so we can keep track of who’s shagging who.
Then again, we’ve also had periods of time when cable On-Demand and bottles of Pinot Noir have been our boyfriends because neither of us wanted to have anything to do with the opposite sex. So there’s a yin to the yang, a light to the dark… you know how it goes.
Eventually for me this ends, and I have the desire to get back in the saddle again.
Kind of literally. Back in the saddle. Um-hum.
Over the years I, personally, have created a pretty solid method for meeting casual partners. Be they friends with benefits or one night stands. It’s a method a little more sophisticated than just going to a pub, getting shit-faced and dragging some random fella out the door at bar close. (Though, that works too.)
In order to have a safe casual sexual encounter, you need to remember three things above anything else: safety, clear communication and satisfaction.
1. Safety
This covers a lot of ground and is the most important portion of this article. Before engaging in repeated casual sex, it’s imperative that you get tested for STIs. This way you know if you have any issues that would prevent you from following through with your desire to shag. If you do have something to disclose, you need to know this in advance, because it is irresponsible not to let your potential partners know if you have a problem that could affect their health.
Make sure you also ask your potential partner to disclose their own sexual health status. Both men and women, who are engaging in casual sexual practices, should be prepared to divulge this information. It’s a huge warning flag if the individual balks at disclosing, and is likely not someone you want to be in bed with in the first place.
Second, think about your personal safety. Meet potential partners for the first time in a very public place. Do not consume alcohol or drugs while meeting someone for the first time. You want your judgment to be crystal clear in assessing if this will be a safe situation for you. Let someone you trust know where you’re going and who you’re meeting. If you decide to adjourn to a hotel or the person’s apartment, update your safety friend with that information. Give them an estimate of when you expect to be home and when, if they haven’t heard from you, they should call you to make sure you’re okay.
Third, ALWAYS bring your own protection. Do not count on someone else to have condoms, dental dams or latex gloves. (I used to carry a little plastic baggie in my purse with one or two of these items in it when meeting a potential shag. Discreet and prepared is the way to be, ladies.) Fourth, trust your instincts. If you’re getting a weird vibe from someone, or if you just feel like something is off, do not be afraid to say, “You know, it was nice meeting you, but I have to leave.” Trust your instincts, ladies – trust them.
2. Clear communication
You need to know what you want, what you expect and be able to communicate it to your partner. Because if you want or expect something different from what your partner wants or is expecting, it’s a recipe for a disastrous date.
For example: take my former FWB, Liam. Liam had it all going on, pretty much every time I saw him I wanted to throw him down on the ground and mount him like the dirty girl I am.
I would have been seriously happy to shag him morning, noon and night – every weekend – whenever the desire struck me. I even had disturbing thoughts of – gasp! – dating Liam.
Liam, on the other hand, just wanted the occasional booty call with no strings. He didn’t want to hang out with me outside of times when we were naked together. Further, he really didn’t want to see me for sex more than once or twice a month.
Our conflicting objectives in this situation resulted in frustration, hurt feelings and a lot of needless drama going on in my head.
This happened because neither of us ever talked about what we wanted from our situation. Had we been clear with each other, perhaps it would have been more fulfilling for us both.
So if you want a one night stand – say it. If you want an ongoing FWB situation – say that. If you want someone to come over, go down on you, make you cum and leave without ever talking to you – SAY THAT.
The best example of this I’ve ever heard was from my friend Petunia. She had gone out on a casual encounter date with a guy she’d met online. The guy said over coffee, “So what do you want from this situation? ”
Petunia said, “For you to come back to my apartment, eat me out until I cum, then let me fuck you up the ass with my strap on. Then I want you to leave and never talk to me again, sound good?”
Apparently that’s not what the guy had in mind, but huge props to Petunia for being direct and upfront.
3. Satisfaction
Okay, let’s just be frank. What the hell is the point of “getting your clock reset” if you don’t get off?
Women are not trained to be aggressive or to tell people what they want or need in bed. This is such a shame. So many men walk through life thinking that they are studs when in fact they are less than adequate lovers. Yet, they never know, because the women in bed with them rarely speak up to say so.
Maybe that’s something that some women can accept in longer term relationships (though, I am not one of those women.) But, in a casual encounter sitch? Are you kidding me?
Raise up your voices, ladies – say “a little to the left, dear,” or “fuck me harder, big boy,” or “I want to suck your cock,” or whatever it is that is going to get you off.
Don’t be afraid to ask your partner what THEY want, either: “What do you want me to do to make you cum?”
The whole point of a casual sexual encounter is to get off. You, him, her, whomever – if you’re not getting off, then what’s the point? You might as well have stayed home with cable On-Demand and a glass of Pinot Noir, darling.
All contributors will have their anonymity protected with a pithy pseudonym, unless they expressly tell me they want to have their real name used in the column.