I hope that you are well and enjoying all of the scorching sunshine that you get up there, right next to the sun. Please say “hi” to Venus for me. She’s always so twinkly and pretty and I feel bad for sometimes referring to her as a “big-flashing-star-thingy”. I hope that she doesn’t take it personally.
With such pleasantries out of the way, we need to discuss this whole “retrograde” thing that you have got going on at the moment. What the hell is the deal with that?
I consider myself a fairly rational human being, albeit one who writes letters to planets. But your current “oooohh, look at me pretending to go backwards” shenanigans have prompted me to almost start believing in astrology. And I don’t like it.
Your quirky orbit habits are adorable and you are kind of obscure and pretty. Come to think of it, you are the Zooey Deschanel of the Solar System. I like you, I really do.
Here’s the beef: you are a teensy-weensy piece of spinning rock, located 48 million miles away from the earth. It sounds way harsh but you are barely even a planet. You could quite easily experience the same fate of Pluto and get booted out of the Real Planet big league AND NO ONE WOULD REALLY CARE.
Sorry to break this to you.
If all of this is true, then why have I found myself experiencing all of the classic symptoms of Mercury retrograde? Was it you who made me leave my favourite cardigan in the back of a cab? Was it you who made me oversleep and miss my train everyday last week? Also, while we are at it, did you hide all of my decent skin tone bras?
Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous emotional meltdowns and catastrophic fantasising. E.g. “I can’t find a skin tone bra, OHMYGOD I AM NEVER GOING TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE” or “she didn’t put a kiss at the end of that text, OHMYGOD MY BEST FRIEND HATES ME.”
I decided that I was going to test you out, Mercury. See what you were made of (70% metallic, 30% silicate materials, apparently). I wanted to be scientific and thorough. I plotted a little experiment and made a note of your next scheduled retrograde. I planned to make notes of any weird/annoying things that happened during those weeks. All was fine and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, until someone pointed out that my methodology was fundamentally flawed.
Of course it would be with you, wouldn't it Mercury?! You love to put the cart before the horse.
For now, I have no option but to repeatedly remind myself of Bertrand Russell and his celestial teapot. I shall gaze up in your general direction whilst making my skeptical face and continue to ignore my horoscope.
But, for the record, I’m watching you, Mercury. I’m watching you. No funny business, eh?
Image via Lunar and Planetary Institute's Flickr