I don’t know about you, but I’ve found it impossible to be an adult for the last week, what with all the pointing and laughing I’ve been doing. And I’ve been doing loads of pointing and laughing.
Sometimes I was laughing at the interview with the two indignant Republican teenagers interviewed by the BBC after Romney lost Ohio, and sometimes I was laughing at everything on the blog White People Mourning Romney (the latter of which is the very meaning of schadenfreude).
Sometimes I just laughed at Bill O’Reilly’s paranoid ramblings about traditional America. I also laughed at Ann Romney’s frozen snarl-like smile after husband delivered his concession speech, and I’ve had a great time tracking the mass exodus of Mitt Romney’s Facebook likes on disappearingromney.com. (Edited to add: he’s lost 548 likes in the relatively short amount of time it’s taken me to write this.) I’m a sadistic prick when I put my back into it.
As you’ve gathered, I haven’t been feeling a lot of sympathy for Republicans since Obama won his second term. I haven’t been feeling a lot of sympathy for Republicans because, as far as I’m concerned, they fucking owe us. They owe us the hours we’ve spent in soul-destroying conversations about levels of rape just because some guy with a bad comb over has decided to be clever with the word “legitimate”.
They owe us for the headaches we’ve endured after hearing some more shit about corporations being people. They owe me for the black hole created by Donald Trump and the disgusting birther movement. Paul Ryan personally owes me for the mental scars I’ve endured from those gym photos.
And they have been very, very generous in their repayment - Trump’s epic post-Obama victory twitter tantrum is the kind of thing that will live for generations to come, outshining every social media meltdown Lindsay Lohan has ever had. In a tweet that’s since been deleted he actually called for a revolution, which is hilarious because revolutions tend to be led and won by the socio-economically repressed, not a paranoid wanker who lives in his own tower.
My personal favourite, however, has been Fox News. Turning on Fox News in the ten minutes after Obama’s victory in Ohio was like experiencing what it must be like in the eye of a cyclone. Usually Fox News is a very, very dangerous place for liberals. Turn it on for more than five minutes and we tend to get hit in the face with a barrage of everything we hate in the world. But for those 10 beautiful minutes in the early hours of Wednesday morning, it was everything I wanted it to be....
It was Karl Rove denying the Ohio victory and challenging science, which in itself sums up the eight years under the Bush administration. It was Fox News’ own analysis team (the scientists) telling the anchors that they were wrong, and that Obama had been re-elected President - which in itself sums up the relationship between Fox News and those pesky fact things. It was a panel conversation in which all that got talked about was the obsoleteness of the electoral college system like a bunch of sulky spoilt teenagers bitching about their mums. It was just beautiful.
I know this is all very mean. I know I shouldn’t revel in other people’s disappointment, but I can’t help it. I just want more. I feel like that plant in Little Shop of Horrors that needs constant feeding and gets bigger and bigger and bigger, except in my case I don’t want human meat - I want Todd Akin’s tears. I’m probably going to get karmically skewered for this, but it will definitely be worth it.
Image via whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com